I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
