Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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