I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
