I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
