I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
