U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
