i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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