I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
