This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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