you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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