I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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