My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
