I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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