I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
