at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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