I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
