3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
