he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
