Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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