Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
