i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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