I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
