this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
