So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
