i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
