Apparently you make a good broom.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
