I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
