shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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