While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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