When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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