Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
