oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
no, he came in my armpit
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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