I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
