some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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