Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
