guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The air taste purple.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
