don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Boobs speak an international language.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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