Your tits are I can't wait for
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
