conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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