It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
