I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
