You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
