Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
