so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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