They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
