I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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