Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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