can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
