i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So many bounce houses so little time
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
