and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
