I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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