he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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