I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
